Early this morning I had a text from a good friend whose adult son has recently return from treatments for his alcoholism. As most of us know addiction to alcohol, other drugs, gambling, sex, power or even food can take over the family home or the workplace. The brain of the person afflicted with active addiction does not work well. There are several reasons for this which include:
· If the addiction is alcohol or other drugs there are very profound changes in how the brain functions as a direct and indirect result of the addiction. For example, alcohol is a depressant and affects how the brain of the addictive person experiences the world. Depression causes the brain to focus on negatives (blocks out the colors), affects the ability to experience negative events as temporary (the world is dark and depression, has always been that way and will always be that way) and affects the ability of the brain to process incoming stimuli.
· Alcohol and some other drugs affects the sleep patterns. One might pass out from alcohol but this is not to be confused with a restful sleep. Sleep deprivation affects how the brain functions.
· Alcohol and other drugs directly affects other organs of the body and since the body is one international unit eventually affects the brain.
· Alcohol affects appetite. When we do not get the nutrition we need many parts of the body, including the brain, are affected. Although we like to pretend as if the brain is an independent machine which has a permanent energy source from somewhere, the truth is that without proper nutrition the brain does not get the chemicals it needs to function.
Addiction also frequently has other negative side affects. These might include:
· Financial. Often the person loses his or her job or is spending so much on their addiction that they cannot pay bills or their share household bills. The addict might also steal money or things from the home to sell. There is a loss of trust and a loss of a sense of security which one likes to feel in one’s own home.
· Addiction as opposed to intermittent abuse, causes one to function at the survival level which is depicted by Maslow’s hierarchy. Nothing or no person matters as much as getting access to that which feeds the addiction. One cannot depend on having a reasonable or logical conversation. There can be a blowup over what seems to be the most insignificant issue.
· One cannot safely have guests in the house because one cannot guarantee a safe or even peaceful visit.
Both for the addict who frequently, but not always, knows that they are not behaving in a way which is consistent with their core values or the core values of the family, are not carrying their share of responsibility and, thus, are not an equal member of the family and other family members there is the inability to count on or predict behavior. Every day is a potential crisis. Any event or even word might trigger a crisis. One might say to the addict, please take out the garbage and the addict might say something like, “What do you think I am, your personal servant. Take out your own f……g garbage. No matter how often this happens one is taken by surprise. Soon one is, at some level, always preparing for the next crisis or eruption. This means that one does not relax and stays tense. One might even find one holding one’s breath. It is natural for us to try to prepare ourselves to handle a stressful event. In the case of living with an addict or anyone whose brain is not working well, one stays on alert. This is a state which is very stressful for the individual family member and for the family as a unit. This system of the individual and the family becomes anxious – anxious about what might be coming.
When the addiction or otherwise ill person returns home from treatment one frequently notices that their behavior is much improved. While one is very grateful, one finds it difficult to trust that this peace or normality will continue. One unconsciously, expects a relapse – a return to the former behavior. The reasons for this are:
· Neuroscientists have traced our habit-making behaviors to a part of the brain called the basal ganglia, which also plays a key role in the development of emotions, memories and pattern recognition. Decisions, meanwhile, are made in a different part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. But as soon as a behavior becomes automatic, the decision-making part of your brain goes into a sleep mode of sorts. (npr.org/Fresh Air Terry Gross interviewing Chales Duhigg author of The Power of Habit)
· We know that there is a high rate of relapse with addiction and other brain dysfunction.
· Some part of our brains mistakenly thinks that if we anticipate an event we will be better prepared to handle it. Certainly this is true if we are anticipating a performance such as a piano recital. We must practice. It does not, however, help us perform better if we anticipate performing badly and making mistakes. We need to know that we will be okay if we just do our very best. Worrying is unlikely to allow us to play our best. In the case of living with the newly recovering addict or other person who has been successfully treated it is safe to relax. It is safe to relax because we will be better prepared to handle whatever comes up if our brain is rested. That may be the opposite of what it feels like.
If we want to reduce the anxiety we will need to consciously and lovingly remind ourselves that:
· It is safe to relax. We will handle whatever comes up.
· It is safe to very intentionally breathe, lower our shoulders, relax our stomach muscles, and shake out the tension in our arms and legs.
· Focus on taking care of our own health:
o Nutritious meals eaten in a relaxed setting when possible.
o Get plenty of sleep.
o Daily exercise.
o Daily emotional support from health friends and family members.
o Daily spiritual exercise/practices.
· Positive encouragement to the recovering person without overdoing it. For example, one does not want to say to the newly recovering addict, “it is so good to have YOU back.” 50 times a day which will only remind the addict of how much their illness affected the family. We do not want the newly recovering person to be focusing on feeling bad or guilty.
· Lastly, but not least, be patient with self and with the newly recovery person. Just lovingly notice the anticipatory anxiety and gently practice the above. The new habit will eventually replace the old one.
Written November 30, 2015
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